To Eat too much or To Be Free?

To Eat too much or To Be Free?

FRIDAY, JULY 09, 2010 | POSTED BY DR. GOULD

The comments on last week’s blog were perfectly timed, they were all about independence from past events and perceptions that reinforce the tyranny of food. A good theme for the Fourth of July week. Thank you all, for your willingness to share openly. Today I am going to focus on the comments that illustrate the theme of freedom.

ml said:
If I don’t face my fears from the past, I will stay stuck using overeating to insulate me from the intimacy that I both desire and fear. I first engaged in binging a few months into an abusive marriage to soothe my anxiety and fear. Now that I’m free of that, will I be able to take off the padding I used to shield myself? What do I have to gain? Freedom from the overeating that became a self-imposed prison. Freedom to feel the feelings that have been trapped inside. Freedom to explore my anxiety and fear and use them as an impetus for growth. Freedom to live without hiding. Freedom to make mistakes, get up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. Freedom to have a voice. Freedom to love myself, finally. Hurrah for Independence Day!

There it is... to be fat or to be free, or more accurately, to give in to outdated fears or exercise your right to be free from the past. What I see over and over again is that people who begin to live their life from an adult perspective, become cured of their food obsession. Every freedom declared in the comment above represents a healthy adult perspective on current reality.

It takes some insight and adult grit to start moving into an adult perspective if you have been absent for too long. Here’s how one person described it.

mbt54 said:
If I give into my fears of being disconnected to others and of harming them by asserting myself, I will get the same results: feeling inferior and not having skills to create healthy boundaries resulting in anxiety and a desire to stuff my feelings with food comfort. There is no other way out but through. The temptation is to do what is familiar and easy. I have to trust that going into new territory will be the only cure.

Reality is her friend, as I mentioned last week. Learning the skills of setting appropriate boundaries, asserting ones self and having a voice are the rights and skills every adult needs to exercise, practice and improve. The reality is different than her childhood fears. She does not harm anyone by asserting herself in reality, only in her imagination.

And here’s a tip on how to practice re-framing reality with an adult perspective... observe yourself trying new behavior, step by step, over and over, until you have proven to yourself that the fears hanging out in your head are no longer true.

Reinventing said:
I always used to binge around my mother and sister. My past relationships with them kept me from moving forward as my own person, even if I did not have their approval. As a child, my sister took on the role of "father" of the house, since my mother was working all the time to make ends meet. Consequently, she was seen as the parent, even in my adult life. I ate around them, because i am stuffing down my adult self. I felt that they are always judging me, and I never quite measured up. I know that that's just my perception--reality is not like that. Since SY, I am learning to set boundaries with them, insist on saying my peace, and am beginning to separate myself from their judgements and approval--or not. It feels uncomfortable but that's Ok--I am doing it, and with more practice, those uncomfortable feelings will disappear. I love SY, for me...all the pieces just FIT--its like a miracle. As Dr. Gould said, my subconscious is FINALLY catching up to the rest of my brain!! : I have not binged in 11 weeks. It is interesting, that even though, setting boundaries HAS been uncomfortable and anxiety producing--if I am making improvements in my life, those type of anxiety feelings seem to be OK, and they have not caused me to eat. Weird eh?

The anxiety associated with growth doesn’t make you eat. The baseless fears of the past are what make you eat. Remember reality is your friend.

How are you embracing reality now in your struggle to free yourself from past fears?

15 Comments In the order they were posted.

LK said...

I am using my voice. It is uncomfortable for me because I always fear hurting someone's feelings or causing conflict but each time I do it, it gets easier. A few days ago I was sitting around the pool with two friends. My kids were playing and my son did something wrong pushed his sister. Both of my friends immediately jumped in and started reprimanding my son. In the past I wouldn't have spoken up but this time I said to them "Excuse me - I am here and I am his mom. I will take care of disciplining him." The friends were fine with that - they apologized and it was over. It was a great moment for me.

ml said...

Embracing reality for me is about not hiding. It means stopping myself when I have an overwhelming urge to binge and making myself face feelings. For too long, I ate to numb feelings without even recognizing the feelings I was running from. Over the past week when I had the urge to binge, I looked within instead. I asked myself, “What’s the feeling I’m trying to escape?” Once I identified it and the situation that was precipitating it, it wasn’t so frightening after all. I refused to allow food to be a distraction, an anesthetic, a hiding place… I used my thoughts to walk me through my feelings and help me address the underlying problem. I discovered I didn’t need the food I had craved after all. I don’t need a hiding place. In fact, I’m beginning to think, perhaps, the very fears I’ve been avoiding may really be adventures waiting to be explored. As Louisa May Alcott said, “I’m not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship.”

KK said...

Embracing reality means embracing myself and not running from myself anymore. It entails looking at myself in the mirror, recognizing that I am not perfect and knowing that is OK. I am worthy of love. It means letting go of the self-loathing. It means taking care of myself, not setting aside my feelings and needs for everyone else. There is a place for me here. I deserve to live and be happy. I can set limits for myself and have boundaries. I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of love. I am free.

Katy said...

What is reality? Deeply ingrained beliefs about the world learned in a dysfunctional family and reinforced by my own choices later in life—it’s an earth-shattering moment to realize THAT is not my reality any more. Before I can embrace reality, I have to define it for myself. How do I do that? If I let go of these deep-rooted beliefs, what will I put in their place? This is going to be a gradual process. I know reality means stepping up to the plate and not gobbling it all in one giant gulp and acknowledging that everyone, including me, is worthy of love. For today, that will be one aspect of reality that I will embrace—loving myself and treating myself well.

Janie M. said...

Sometimes I find it helpful to use slogans that speak to my heart as an aid to define my reality and keep me on track. It could be a slogan like the one above from Alcott or a verse from a song—“always gonna be another mountain…” There’s a reason sometimes those lyrics get “stuck” in our heads. It could be a Bible scripture with an encouraging message. Even advertisements—“Just do it,” road signs—“No U-turns,” and billboards sometimes can help me to embrace reality. As I battle the inner struggles and feel like I am about to lose my perspective, these slogans and catch phrases will help me get refocused and on the right path.

Marge said...

KK wrote,"I am worthy of love. It means letting go of the self-loathing. It means taking care of myself, not setting aside my feelings and needs for everyone else." This just hit home for me. I have recently come to understand that the source of my self-loathing and lack of self-care was due to the childhood neglect of my narcissistic mother. It has been a very painful road but gaining that knowledge and a more realistic perspective of my childhood has promoted much healing. Now I am working on healing my insides so then my outsides will reflect that, instead of 'losing weight' to cover up and disguise the damage I have felt for years inside. It has been a huge awakening.

April said...

Marge's comment made me think of something. In healthcare, wound healing is classified as healing by first intention, second intention, and third intention. When a wound becomes infected and/or has an inadequate blood supply to provide nutrients and oxygen, sometimes it won’t heal if it’s simply closed with stitches--first intention. It may require healing by second intention which requires cleaning out the contaminants and healing from the inside out. Healing by third intention occurs when the damaged tissue has to be continually removed while the wound is left open to heal. Sometimes after emotional trauma, we too, have to heal by second or third intention. It’s painful, slow, we have to keep cleaning away the contaminants, and maximizing the “blood-supply”--nurturing, healing thoughts and words. I appreciate the concept of healing from the inside out. I embrace my new reality by accepting myself as I am now, giving myself healing messages, finding healthy ways to purge the "contaminants," and recognizing that I am a work in progress.

Dana said...

I am trying to equip myself with the tools I need to cope effectively with anxiety and stress so that I no longer use food as my pacifier.

hb said...

I'm trying to view myself differently. I am the navigator of my ship. Old fears have no hold on me because I made it through those storms. True, I ate my way through rough waters in the past. But I survived the best way I knew how. Now I know better. I have new ways to cope. I will use my newfound power. I will rely on my internal strength rather than some external object, like food.

staci said...

i'm trying to differentiate emotional hunger vs. physical hunger. it's not easy for me yet. i've been emotional eating on autopilot for many years... it's hard for me to trust myself, especially when i choose a food i really like. can i really eat just enough to satisfy my physical hunger or will those old habits "take over?" this is frightening.

Marsha said...

Today's reality: I am lovable. Yes, even though my body is not perfect, I am lovable. Even though I make mistakes, I am lovable. Even though I spent years hiding while eating massive quantities, I am lovable. I grew up with the belief that I had to be perfect--appearance, poise, charm, intellect, performance... Appearance was vital because "it's the first thing people-esp. men-notice about a woman... A woman's beauty is the key to her success..." Beauty is important, but it encompasses so much more than external appearance. It's not about perfectionism. It's not about being the top performer in school or business. True beauty is about the person inside. It BEGINS with loving oneself. When it works itself to the surface, it permeates the wrinkles, gray hair, sagging breasts, flabby skin and scars that signify healing years of pain. Unfortunately, society doesn't see it that way. But I will look past the airbrushed beauties and ultra thin models in pursuit of the real thing.

PegMN said...

April, thank you for your comment! That is a very good analogy

mbt54 said...

I am putting myself in situations where I will be relied on and realize I've been reticent in the past because I've tuned out, not having the tools problems solving, confidence to deal with life's demands. Now I can. I have been dreaming of confrontations with others. Something I've avoided like the plague in the past. Like my neighbor said of her angry husband, "it's unpleasant". It's not the end of me if someone is upset. Keeping clear boundaries and not feeling guilty if I'm mad. Using the anger to say: "enough is enough" and I am going to act on my own behalf. Others will then know the authentic me.

creative said...

Reality. I think that when I read your book, it is written in such a way that my mind has no place to hide behind rationalizations and denial. Looking at the truth, and then understanding it, facing it, there is freedom. It is only a beginning, because then it is necessary to act, but freedom nonetheless.

Sandy said...

I have tried Overeaters Anonymous, however it never get's to the route of the problem. Alot of very unhappy people, crying and telling their life story which unfortunately makes some of us go home and want to eat more, to soothe those very unpleasant feelings. I have been reading the blog for several weeks and and will join in a few more. I find it interesting that we have lived so long handling things a certain way, and also I find it encouraging that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings and insights. It assists us "newbies"' in not only learning but making positive choices and decisions regarding a long lived behavior which is not only unhealthy but unhappy as well.