FEEDING FOOD TO THE MIND: STAGES ONE AND TWO

FEEDING FOOD TO THE MIND: STAGES ONE AND TWO

THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2010 | POSTED BY DR. GOULD

This is the second blog in the series about Feeding Your Mind with Food. I intended to write a different story today but the responses to the last blog were so informative that I thought it would be more enlightening to tell the story through those thirteen comments. This new story is about the stages one has to go through to break the emotional eating habit.

The very first comment surprised me. She thought what I said was quite harsh, like a parent scolding her in some way. She said “it reminds me of my parents telling me off for overeating when I was little.” That was not my intention but I understand why she said that after reading the other comments and reflecting on what she said when she identified herself as someone just starting to deal with the emotional eating issue. It was too harsh for her at that early stage.
At the beginning stage, when there is just enough awareness to recognize there must be an emotional component to your weight problem, anything you learn that makes you think about it more deeply and personally, seems like an assault upon you. It feels like just one more person lecturing you, trying to talk you out of your eating habits by shame or logic or some other shenanigans. Someone who talks straight to you is just another insensitive and over controlling parent who doesn’t really care about you. This is especially true if the weight problem started early in life and was entangled in the family dynamics of that period. The sensitivity to what others say about your eating habits is at it’s highest.

The other 12 responses were from people in stages further along, and as luck with have it, the second response also represented the second stage. That person said “the description is so true. Eating does numb the mind and take away the pain of thinking.”

This statement represents an acceptance and understanding of the basic, and incontrovertible facts about emotional eating. Paraphrasing this blog theme, eating feeds the mind a numbing substance that takes away the pain of thinking.

If I could boil down what I said in the first blog, my book, and the ShrinkYourself program to its simplest set of incontrovertible facts, it would be the following. There is a reality. Life is complex. You have the intelligence to deal with it, and you must deal with it. You are better off dealing with reality by using the most intelligent part of your mind. Using food to numb the mind in order take away the pain of thinking means you are shutting off the most intelligent part of your mind, and that is almost always costly, and causes unnecessary pain and suffering.

The first commentator didn’t like that message. It was too harsh, I suspect, but of course do not know, because she still believes that she must continue to use food to shut off her thinking mind. If she didn’t do that, her emotions might overwhelm her. She was protecting herself from the same danger that others at a later stage in the journey of healing have clearly discovered and proved to themselves is simply not a real danger.

There are steps and stages on the journey to end out-of - control emotional eating. Everyone is an emotional eater to some degree, it is built into our upbringing. It’s the habitual or compulsive part of that pattern that is unhealthy, not the occasional indulgence.

So, if the first stage is, “I don’t want to hear this message about using my intelligence to deal with reality”, then the second stage is captured in the line of the second commentator who says, “food takes away the pain of thinking.” That caught my attention…”the pain of thinking.” I have always enjoyed the practice of psychiatry because of the sheer pleasure of sitting down with someone and helping them think clearly about what was bothering them. The thinking part was not painful for either me or my patients because it was productive and useful. Certainly there were painful things to confront and painful memories to deal with and over the years I bought a truckload of Kleenex, but the act of thinking itself was not painful.

If food is still considered as useful to dull the pain of thinking, then we have a way of describing the goal of the next stage in this healing process. In order to break free, you have to employ and enjoy the best parts of your intelligent mind, and that means, you have to start down that path by not being afraid to think about whatever is bothering you.

There are many more comments to the first post to discuss, and I will continue those next week, but let me illustrate this last point about being afraid to think about what is bothering you. One of the comments was about something that I have heard so many times before. A woman was wondering whether to be skinny means she will leave an unsatisfying relationship. Her weight goes up and down and she is afraid to become “skinny”. What that says to me is she is afraid to make up her mind, which means thinking through her dilemma, and coming to a decision, and being responsible for her decision. Instead she is in a gambling mode, waiting to see what card comes up for her. If she has a bad eating day, that means she is going to stay or at least that she is too afraid to leave. If she has a good eating day, that means she is going to leave the relationship. That is an unproductive way to make an important life course decision. It reflects her ambivalence, but it also keeps her stuck, because she can’t use the most intelligent part of her mind to either fix the relationship, or find a way to stay, or find a way to leave…all of which she is working on indirectly but in a fragmented way that leads no place.

That’s how life and eating and thinking, or not thinking, all work together on a daily basis if food is used to feed a dulling substance to the mind

12 Comments In the order they were posted.

mtn bike girl said...

I found this article very helpful. I’m starting week 3 and am realizing that I too have been using food to avoid difficult thoughts and feelings. However, as I write these things down, they don’t seem as insurmountable as I had thought they were. In total, they are pretty significant issues, but one at a time, they look manageable. I have been very hard on myself, blaming myself for not having any self-control but now I realize that the problems I’m struggling with are real....I’ve just been using ineffective coping strategies.

Keri said...

Dear Dr.Gould, I was the second commentator in your last blog. I have read and re-read your comments as they have struck me hard. You are right about thinking itself not being painfulit is dealing with the thoughts and decisions that I might have to make. I am stuck at the stage of binge eating to numb the pain of possible changes in my life. The indecision and procrastination and the feeling that I will never get what I might need or want are keeping me fat and miserable.what a sorry state to be in. I must try to deal with this.thank you.

Ben said...

thank you for the thought provoking article. I often use food to numb physical pain minor arthritis. Often I resort to food once Im tired of trying to address the cause of the pain or i begin to beleive that I'm stuck forever with it. However, the article has helped, if for nothing else, because it has reminded me again and made aware of my relationship to food. I know there are better ways to cope and maybe even a solution. Thankyou :

Margaret said...

What struck me is our connectedness of emotions, thoughts and body. When I first read your comment that eating soothes the pain of our thoughts, my first reaction was a defensive "no." But as I considered what really happens inside of me, I realized eating does not soothe the pain of my feelings but it drowns out the noise of my critical and negative voice inside of me...It was an 'aha' moment-- so thank you! Understanding that my way of operating was to make food choices, then my inner voice berates me. This is the space where my inner pain comes from, not from the food itself, not from my choices, but from what I say about those choices. This awareness has potential for some self- healing I do believe...

Liz said...

Great articles. I am a life long dieter and have hit an uncomfortable high weight again! I am emotionally mature enough at the age of 30 to realize I am past step one and am working on using my mind, to stay present, to think through the problems that come my way. I'm looking forward to see what comes next.

Rita said...

Thank you for the article and discussion it has generated. I am in the recovery process, but I still struggle with eating at night, and I usually cannot identify the cause. After dinner I just am plagued by cravings, which I usually indulge, "just one more" but I don't know why. It doesn't always turn into a full out binge, but it is a little big of loss of control and eating not for hunger. It feels more physical than mental, but if a phone call or something shifts my focus, I can lose the urge, so I am very confused and don't know how to end this behavior.

denise said...

I enjoy the SY newsletters. This 2nd blog has been particularly inightful to me, as it has made you real. I realize that you are a real author, a real doctor. But you've now become more than merely notes on a page. You are actively working toward the next level and you are taking us with you.

Bobby said...

Your articles just hit the nail in my head so hard it hurts. I am a binge eater and a bulimic and as much as I know that I am slowly killing myself it is so hard to stop, I dont know maybe I want to die. I know that I am numbing my pain but what do I do with the pain after I stopped hurting myself. Do I do not have a clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M said...

Amazing relevance when applied across many of my own life situations. I have discovered most of these are really just faulty problem solving. I most appreciate how you distill the message in clear language, ie. "Life is complex, deal with it...." That respects my right to know the truth and gives me the courage to "deal with it". You then give concrete skills advice to focus on. Thank you.

Sarah said...

Your article certainly rings true with me. My problem is that if I want to eat then I must eat. I get massive cravings for crisps, buscuits, chocolates, sandwiches, alcohol, coffee, chips and I just can't say 'no', I know that this sounds like a joke but it isn't. If I get a craving for crisps or chocolate or anything then I will HAVE to have it there and then. There is no stopping me. I can't be shamed out of it. I will eat regardless of where I am or who is watching me. I have no shame but I loathe myself and hate myself and get annoyed at myself for it. Afterwards I beat myself up wondering why I can't stop myself and what is making me do it.

Gen said...

I agree with denise about this article making you 'real'. Thank you for addressing our comments, it is really generous of you. I have subscribed to several online 'lose weight' programmes, have spent a fortune on them but have come to realise that they give NOTHING for free. Once you pay the money, they try to tell you that you would benefit from an additional set of suggestions/menus etc, which "we can offer you at this special price." I bought your book, which I have just started and it means so much to me that, as well as offering your book and programme, you are prepared to be pro-active, by giving advice in your newsletters and your blogs WITHOUT charging us! Thank you.

laura said...

I agree, glad to know a real live time person generates these blogs. i think my issue is all to do with POWER, i feel i lack personal power in choices, and food numbs that..do i stay or end relationship, is it the right one for me, i can't tell as I have been emotionally abused in the past and seem to have lost my discrenment for this situation who or what i should BE as it was decided for me as a child i fear my own power different powers including sexual power, which i wish the doctor would address as a driver for overeating etc. Just when i get on track someone affects me or my energy and my belief that I can create my own worthy life and don't have to be an over achievermy father's programming which sends my self esteem and concious creation crashing down..ek CognitiveBehaviouralTherapy here i come again! Best wishes to you all, laura.